Foreword by Stan Lerner: WARNING! this blog is a sexual escapade. If you are offended by promiscuity do not read any further. And for my readers who demanded some Downtown Oliver Brown salacious behavior you owe me because this really tired me out.
Roxy wanted to go to dinner—and I was confident that I could squeeze it in, drop her back off, she lives way the hell out there, and still meet Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson at Prive by 10:30. And that’s how good a time I had the night before—I was going back to the same club two nights in a row—unheard of in Sin City. Oh, and then I planned on going to Toa and Noir…I call this a Las Vegas Grand Slam…I know Alec Silverman is out there somewhere waiting to correct me factually given I’ve only named three places, but a Las Vegas Grand Slam has nothing to do with places, so not going to happen old sport.
What I hadn’t planned on was a sexual encounter with a zombie. See, I decided to take Roxy to Freemont Street and enjoy some fish tacos outside at Mickie Finnz…Out of the gutter boys I really wanted fish tacos. Anyway, it turns out unbeknownst to either Roxy or myself that there was a dance of the dead going on upstairs—and a good dance of the dead is always preceded by a march of the dead, in this particular instance down Freemont Street. So there I was in the bathroom minding my own business taking care of business…
“Excuse me this is the men’s bathroom,” I said to the extremely attractive, mutilated, Catholic schoolgirl.
“I’m a zombie…I can use either men’s or women’s, because I’m dead—stupid. Nice package by the way.”
I smiled. “Thanks. I mean I’m here with someone…I mean we’re just friends.”
“I’m dead it doesn’t matter. Having sex with a zombie isn’t cheating.” She sat on the sink revealing that zombies apparently don’t wear underwear when they go out dancing.
“Did you follow me in here on purpose?”
“I’m cold…Are you going to warm me up or what?”
I sighed. “What the hell I’m in Vegas.” The problem of course being that I’m a blogger and nothing I do stays anywhere and I might decide to run for political office one day. Well at least I have no skeletons in the closet—maybe a zombie or two.
Now this is where it gets weird, weirder—she was cold and I mean like really dead cold.
“You’re the coldest person I’ve ever had sex with,” I whispered to her romantically as we had sex in the bathroom, which you could actually get in trouble for these days in uptight California.
“Because I’m a zombie…”
“Whatever,” I responded.
“It’s a medical condition in my case—I’m no wanna be…My heart only beats twenty times a minute and my blood pressure is ninety over fifty on a good day.”
I don’t know why, but this really turned me on.
More about the zombie girl later. When I got back to the table Roxy was not hearing any of my stomach ach-story.
“Really, does your lip always bleed when you have an upset stomach?”
“Spider bite…It got me while I was sitting there.”
Note: boys if you decide to have sex with zombie girls they bite, and I mean really hard. So don’t even think about doing this kind of thing when you’re on a date with someone else.
Anyway, I took Roxy all the way home. And it doesn’t appear that we will be hanging out anymore. But come on, who could pass on anything so random. I should get a get out of jail free card for helping the living dead in need.
Prive was off the hook. Not as off the hook as Friday, but JD spinning had brought a lot of people out for a Friday as mentioned one blog and a zombie ago. The table, the bottles and Miles, Bill, and Isaiah and a bunch of girls. Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson and the party was on. I of course talked blogging with the boys and smoked a Don Vicente Cigar. But I couldn’t talk to any of the girls due to the memory of that cold, hot zombie flesh.
“Let’s go to Tao,” said Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson.
“I need to do something,” I responded.
And then at the exit Jessie ran into someone he needed to talk to. A girl grabbed me by the arm.
“You’re coming with me…Nobody ignores me all night.”
“What? Who are you?”
“That’s what I mean. I’ve been trying to get your attention all night long.”
“I’ve always wanted to be with a man older than my father. And we’re in Vegas.”
“Oh, in that case sorry to have ignored you, but I just had sex in a bathroom with a dead girl.”
She laughed. “You’re funny…That’s almost as big a turn on as old and bald.”
“I’m out of shape as well.” This closed the deal.
So we went up to her room…I’ll spare you the details, suffice it to say she was warm and normal and before zombie girl this would be every mid life crisis guy’s dream.
With a very drunk Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson in my car I headed for Tao. Tao like Prive was going off and as I followed Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson around the room shaking hands and absconding with drinks from each and every bottle table I noticed that I had begun to emulate Jessie’s unusual style of navigating through crowds. At some point we were visiting the DJ booth and I was drumming away on the ledge that surrounds it and grooving a little to the music.
“You’re the “Night Tribe” guy,” said the brunette that had magically appeared by my side.
“You were twelve when I was the “Night Tribe” guy. Who put you up to this?” I looked around the room for whatever friend was not aware that I had just slept with a zombie and a very hot girl in the same night.
“I’m twenty-six, I was at “Night Tribe” for my twenty-first birthday. You bought me and my friends drinks, you were so nice. And it’s so great when you go up and drum.”
“I only did that every now and then. Did I sleep with you?”
“No, I was too shy.”
I laughed. “Trust me you did the right thing. I’m no fan of my own promiscuity.”
Now she laughed. “Shut the f*ck up.”
Smiling at the absurdity. “I’m serious. I actually believe in getting married and being faithful and all that…”
“I’ve been waiting five years to run into you…” putting her arm around me, “I have a limo downstairs. Let’s take a ride.”
And even though I plan to give all this up soon and get married and have a family—I said yes. It’s not like I was on my best behavior all night anyway.
And for all my friends / readers who have never driven up and down the Strip and had sex in the back of a stretch limo, you really don’t know what you’re missing.
“Where have you been?” asked Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson, as I reappeared at the club.
“Limo ride with an old friend.”
He shook his head. “You’re going to run out of places to…Never mind. I thought you wanted to go see your boy Carlos “Pure” Harper over at Noir?”
I nodded. “Let’s go.”
Carlos “Pure” Harper had a bunch of tables going at LAX so he couldn’t really hang, but I had been wanting to introduce him and Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson for a while, so I’m glad they got a chance to vibe.
“Hey,” said the girl at the bar next to me. My boys were vibing so why not?
“Do you have a room here,” I asked.
“Want to just skip the conversation and go upstairs?” I asked. “Not that I don’t love to talk…”
She grabbed my hand and we left the boys to their conversation.
And yes every now and then my behavior gives me pause, but I really liked all of these girls—especially the dead one. I keep thinking one day I’ll just be too old for this…I guess this just wasn’t that day. I love this city! Oh, and to my boy Alec—that’s a Las Vegas Grand Slam!!!