LAST BLOG

So last we left off I had just left the Michael Jackson “This Is It” premier at the Palms / Brenden Theatre. And I was feeling the terrible effects of the bite from the zombie girl that I had, had sex with in the bathroom at Mickie Finnz…And the ghost of Howard Hughes had given me some troubling advice as I drove to meet Jessie “James Super VIP Host” Gibson who was helping Nightlife Marketing Guru Alicia decorate Cherry Nightclub at the Red Rock Casino…

“This is Stan?” Alicia asked Jessie, as I strolled up to Cherry, which was in the process of getting a large pair of fangs over its entrance—to give it the proper atmosphere for the upcoming Halloween Fang Banger’s Ball.

“Yeah,” responded Jessie.

“He’s hot for a middle aged writer.”

I took her hand and kissed it. “Flattery and money will get you everywhere with me. What would you like me to review?” I gesticulated toward my own finely tailored double-breasted suit. “I was at a movie premiere thus the suit…Otherwise I’ve been dressing more casual so as to fit in and get good stories…Fly on the wall kind of thing…But it hasn’t been working.”

“You look a little pale. Are you feeling okay?” asked Jessie.

“We need to talk, I need your help.”

Jessie nodded toward the club. “We have the whole bar to ourselves.”

This of course made me forget about all of my problems!!! Moments later with a Jack and Diet in hand I tried to think of a subtle way to explain my strange pallor.

“Remember the zombie girl I had sex with in the bathroom while I was on a first date with Roxy?”

Jessie nodded. And Alicia laughed and said, “I loved that blog!”

I sighed. “Everyone did. But she bit me and now I’ve got zombie fever.”

“That’s not good,” said Jessie, probably wishing James “Hollywood Deal Maker” Westbrook hadn’t asked him to look after me while I stayed in Las Vegas indefinitely.

“It gets weirder,” I continued, “the ghost of Howard Hughes was just riding shotgun with me in the Benz and he said the only cure is to seduce a married midget—otherwise I’m a zonbie—f*ck, I can’t believe this happened. Everyone else just gets herpes and I get this.”

Alicia just giggled, clearly realizing that Jessie wasn’t’ kidding when he told her he had never met anyone quite like me.

“Stan do you think the fact that you’ve only slept nine hours in the last seven days might have something to do with all of this.”

I pulled up my sleeve and showed him my see through skin and fluorescent veins.

“Wooooo,” said Jessie, as he stared at evidence of my rapidly changing state.

“Do something,” said Alicia, no longer giggling.

“Okay, no big deal, I’m a VIP host I can make anything happen in this town. Why not this? How long did the ghost of Howard Hughes say that you have?”

“He didn’t, but I don’t think too long.”

“Look it’s Halloween all weekend. I’ll just invite a bunch of midget couples to our table at Prive…I’m sure you can take it from there.”

“No, I’m going to need your help. My girlfriend is flying in tomorrow, so I’ll need you to keep her distracted.”

“You have a girlfriend????” asked a stunned Jessie. “You’ve slept with nine girls and a zombie in the last six days.”

“This is funnier than your blogs,” added Alicia.

I sighed. “I tried to break up with here when she turned twenty-one, but she just won’t leave me alone.”

This puzzled Alicia. “Why’d you try to break up with her when she turned twenty-one?”

“Well now she can drink—way more expensive to date. And I can’t leave her outside when I go to clubs anymore…”

Alicia nodded and turned to Jessie. “He has to hang out with us all of the time…”

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT

“Hey get that off of my head,” said the midget whose head I had accidentally rested my class filled with Jack and Diet on.

“Oh, sorry about that little fellow…I meant to put it down on the railing…”

“Little fellow? If I wasn’t here with my wife I’d let you have it right in the balls,” said the angry midget.

I held up my hands. “Your wife?”

“That’s right I have a wife you loser, I’m married and you’re not.”

Normally this would have hurt my feelings, but on this particular occasion I knew that I would have to overcome my unusually sensitive emotional state.

I handed him my drink. “Here, a peace offering. I apologize for being an idiot…I want to be friends.”

Fortunately the line for the bathroom was long so I managed to down four doubles with my new little buddy in a matter of a few minutes. And by the time his Mrs. made it to the table he was a babbling mess. I should mention here that she was a perfect ten, in the miniature sense of the terminology. I’m talking a three-foot version of Megan Fox—literally. I’ve never wanted anything so little so much. I glanced at Jessie who had my girlfriend on the dance floor dancing away, totally clueless as to what I was up to. At least until she gets back to LA and reads this blog.

“What happen to him?” asked little Megan.

 I shrugged. “We were just having some drinks.”

“Great, I wanted to have fun tonight. Now I’m a babysitter—on Halloween.”

“C’mon sit down and have a drink…” I lifted her up onto the couch. “I’ll have my limo take him home and put him to bed.

“Really, you don’t even know us. And most people aren’t so kind to small people. This isn’t one of those goof on people shows is it?”

“Well I’ve never had a small…I mean I’ve never known any small people before, but if you don’t mind me saying so, you’re f***n hot.”

She stared into my eyes. “Why don’t you have your car take him home…”

Because I like to think of blogsincity as a family friendly blog, I normally at this point of a story would say something like, “I’ll spare you the details,” but I can’t. See since my back surgery over ten years ago I haven’t been able to have standup aerial sex with anyone that’s even close to my size. But with mini-Megan, every spot in the room was new territory—oh, and the long forgotten sex in the shower, I can’t stop smiling even now as I write these words. So, for any of my friends and readers that haven’t have had sex with someone a little over the one-yard mark, you’re missing out on at least twenty positions you can’t possible get into with someone your own size.

I looked up at my new little friend as she road me so gracefully and felt compelled to utter the truth. “You saved my life you know.”

“Messing with zobies were you? Hope you learned your lesson…”

“Tell me about it. Next time she’s wearing a muzzle before anything happens.”

Mini Megan smiled. “Well I’m glad I could help. It makes me feel a little less guilty about this.”

“So if the zombie girl bites me again, it kind of makes this okay?…” My mind processed all of the possibilities as mini-Megan nodded the affirmative. “Well, then I guess there’s really no point of blowing money on a muzzle.”

Later

“Where were you?” asked the girlfriend from LA.

“I had a little something to do up in the room…And you were having so much fun…”

“Jessie’s a really good dancer. I feel bad because I know he has clients to pay attention to, but I’m having so much fun.” She gave me a huge hug. “You’re such a great boyfriend.”

I turned to Jessie who looked like he needed to ask me a question.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Oh, yeah much better.” I smiled. “The little things really do make a difference.” I looked from Jessie to my girlfriend from Cali, who quite ironically was dressed as a dead bride. “Would you like to dance?”

She smiled. “I thought you’d never ask…”

And as Halloween weekend came to an end I couldn’t help but to feel that warm feeling that comes over me when I’m headed to yet another good party—that’s right I was headed to Red Rock Casino / Cherry Nightclub for a little Sunday night fang banging.