A new blog series, from the Abby Normal Mind of Stan Lerner!
The middle-aged, Maytag repairman stood behind Mona and watched intently as she tried to coax Pester the cat out of the washing machine awaiting his repair expertise.
“Pester you come out of there right now,” demanded Mona, reaching in to try and get a grip on his collar only to be greeted by a swipe of Pester’s claw and a loud hiss. “Oh, that cat when he gets into a bad mood he’s just a terror,” Mona pronounced, with a sense of futility as she withdrew her imperiled hand from harm’s way.
“Ring! Ring!” sounded the phone, which caused Mona to yield her position in front of the washing machine to the repairman.
“I’ll try to get him out,” he offered, obviously unaware of all that could go wrong in the Skinner household.
“Hi Chenoa!” said Mona, cheerfully into the phone—thoughts of trouble with Pester and the washing machine already vacated from her mind.
Richard pulled the squad car to the front of his well manicured, but simply landscaped home. He couldn’t help but to give the Maytag repair van in the driveway a curious look as Larry and he exited their official police vehicle for a not so official on-duty beer at the house. “Mona keeps talking about the washing machine,” he muttered aloud.
“I thought Maytag’s never break down,” Larry questioned, causing Richard and he to share a suspicious glance at each other.
The partners entered the Skinner family home quietly and made their way toward the kitchen, where from which they heard voices, one familiar, one not.
“Oh that’s great!” They heard Mona exclaim.
In the kitchen, Mona now stood in back of the repairman. “Oh my God!” she shouted with genuine excitement.
In the hallway Richard’s face was tense and red as he gave the quiet sign to Larry, so they could continue their assessment of the developing situation.
“Fantastic! Oh that’s fantastic!” They heard Mona shout with glee.
Simultaneously they pulled out their batons and tapped them anxiously against their palms.
“I can’t get enough!” shouted Mona.
“Nice pussy,” assured the strange male voice.
“You’re too much,” giggled Mona.
“Come here you nasty pussy!” shouted the voice of the stranger, in Richard’s kitchen with Mona—his wife.
This last demand caused Richard’s face to contort into a knotted, palette of red and purple, just before giving Larry the head signal to move into action with him.
“Gotcha,” exclaimed the Maytag man, thrusting his head and hands into the washing machine, only to have his effort dashed by Pester’s claw, which delivered a severe lancing to the left side of his face causing him to spin around on his knees—facing Mona’s crotch.
Unfortunately, it was at this precise moment of face to crotch interaction that Richard and Larry entered the room. Their worst fears confirmed, they swooped in and began clubbing the poor fellow with their nightsticks so furiously that it made the Rodney King incident seem like a childhood spanking.
“Nice Pussy!” shouted Richard.
“Five hundred cable stations!” shouted Larry, still upset about his cable bill.
“I’ll give you Pussy!” yelled Richard.
“You want to shop at Gucci!” Larry cried out, before delivering a particularly horrific blow to the innocent man’s crotch.
Mona shook her head before continuing her phone conversation with Chenoa—that would be the one that Richard and Larry had been overhearing in the hallway. “Oh that, the boys just came in and they’re beating the Maytag guy senseless.”
The partners shoved the limp repairman head first into the washer. And Richard reeled around to face Mona. “How could you?” he implored.
Mona shrugged. “It just happened.”
“It just happened!” Richard questioned incredulously. “Why him?”
“He said he would come fast,” Mona said, with the innocence of a child.
“You said no one comes faster than me,” bemoaned Richard.
“Yeah, but you were busy at work and I couldn’t let Pester stay in the washing machine forever,” responded Mona, making perfect sense at least to herself.
Richard’s posture stiffened as it always did when he made a colossal blunder. “Pester’s in the washing machine?”
“Yes, and the repair guy said he couldn’t fix it till he got him out.”
These words penetrated right through the thoughts Larry was already having about the legal ramifications of the unfortunate misunderstanding. “Oh my!” he stared down at the limp repairman whose head was still in the machine with a cat that was bread with one percent Bengal tiger in its gene pool. “You guys Pester is in the washing machine.”
They followed Larry’s stare, down to the repairman who was just coming to.
“Don’t move!” warned Richard—too late.
“Meowww! Meowww! Meowww!”
With no concern for their own wellbeing, Richard and Larry heroically pulled the Maytag repairman out of the washing machine. However, Pester had attached himself to the man’s face, like that thing from Alien. Valiantly, they tugged on Pester with all of their might, but his teeth were locked onto the repairman’s nose with the fortitude of a bench-vice—the screams were deafening.
Richard, realizing that there was no hope of prying Pester from his prey, turned to Larry as they continued to tug, “Better use the taser!”
“Stand back!” shouted Larry, as he drew the non-lethal weapon and fired two darts into the perfectly innocent man’s neck. The subsequent jolt of electricity caused the Maytag man’s body to convulse terribly, but it did, thankfully, send Pester flying through the air right into Mona’s arms.
Mona gave Pester a calming pet on the head. “Pester you’re such a bad boy sometimes, and you two I don’t know why you’re so protective of this cat.”
Richard turned to Larry, who still hadn’t released the trigger of the taser gun, which caused the voltage to continue to flow. “I think he’s had enough.”
“What if he remembers what happened?” questioned Larry, making sure that his partner knew that he wasn’t the forgetful type.
Richard nodded. “Oh, in that case better give him a couple more minutes.”
STAN LERNER’S BOOKS ON SMASHWORDS .COM
“STAN LERNER’S CRIMINAL”
HOLLYWOOD BOOK FESTIVAL GRAND PRIZE WINNER
An intense page-turner based on the author’s true-life experiences.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” is the graphic and shocking account of the rise to power of the world’s most calculating and dangerous criminal…Sam Noah.
Sam Noah was handsome, intelligent, and charismatic. He came from a good family, had the perfect girlfriend, and attended UCLA where he ranked at the top of his class. Noah could have made anything he wanted to out of his life. But crime came naturally to him.
The story begins in 1984. The Cold War is at its height and the CIA is looking for still more funding for its covert operations around the world. Powerful men decide that there must be a go to guy. A man that will do whatever is necessary to finance the wars that Congress cannot be made aware of.
Sam Noah takes a job at a popular nightclub where he runs a smalltime ticket scam — and he begins to recruit the ruthless men that will help him build a narcotics empire.
When the FBI becomes a gathering threat to Noah, he forms an alliance with the CIA. His innovations — the crack house and the drive-by shooting — not only bring an unprecedented level of violence to the streets of America. They assure the powerful men who have engaged his services that Noah is indeed capable of doing the unthinkable.
The sale of cocaine makes him rich. His willingness to commit murder ensures that he will remain so.
Not since Hannibal Lecter has there been such a horrifying yet engaging mastermind of evil.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” transports the reader into the darkest of all places: the criminal mind. This is an unforgettable journey into the psyche of Sam Noah — the man behind some of the most brutal sins against humanity.
By the end of this unflinching tale, what may shock the reader the most is how he or she will ultimately identify with and root for this ruthless but brilliant “Criminal”.
To sample or purchase “Stan Lerner’s Criminal” please visit:
“In Development” is a hilarious account of a day in the life of Stan Peters—Hollywood’s most powerful and scummiest producer.
The day begins like any other day—a superlative, five-star breakfast at The Peninsula Hotel. However, the shocking news that there has been a change at the very top of the studio means that the perfect world of Stan and his closest associates could come to a sudden end—especially with a movie like “Two Jews and a Blonde Psycho” in development. The subsequent call from Brad, the new studio boss, confirms their greatest fear—their movie is in danger of being put in turn-around. A day of sex, manipulation, lying, betrayal, blackmail, and murder ensues — otherwise known in Hollywood as a happy ending.
To sample or purchase “In Development” please visit:
To sample or purchase “Blast” please visit:
To sample or purchase “Impact” please visit:
GET CHICKS 101
To sample or purchase “Get Chicks 101” please visit:
GET THE RIGHT GUY
To sample or purchase “Get The Right Guy” please visit:
NINETY- NINE POSTS
To sample or purchase “Ninety-Nine Posts” please visit:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stan Lerner is an award winning-author whose diverse credits include the novels “Stan Lerner’s Criminal”, “Blast”, “In Development,” and the children’s book “Stanley The Elephant.” Stan Lerner is also the creator of the Las Vegas music spectacle “Night Tribe” and the writer, director, producer of the hit motion picture “Meet The Family.” Mr. Lerner was born in Montebello CA and has lived in downtown Los Angeles for the last fifteen years.
For more information about Stan Lerner please visit his author profile at: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/stan