A new blog series from the Abby Normal mind of Stan Lerner
Richard Skinner’s partner, Larry Jacobs, an athletic black man in his late thirties, sat in, what could only be described as, a lavishly appointed kitchen surrounded by bills. One after the other he opened the horrible white envelope’s and shook his head in disgust.
“Damn that woman can spend money. Bloomingdale’s, Barneys, Tiffany, Gucci, five hundred channels?” Larry was in the middle of saying out loud to himself, only to have his thought interrupted by the entrance of his wife, Chenoa, dressed head to toe in Gucci—revealing a body so hot that it made fire jealous!
“Ta Da! Do you like it?” asked Chenoa doing a spin. “It’s right off the runway in Paris.”
“Baby you look fine, but I think you look great in jeans and a T-shirt.”
“You want to put this body in jeans and a T-shirt?” asked Chenoa gesticulating with her hand along the length of her fine curves. “You know what baby? Maybe you just need it a little less so you appreciate it a little more.”
Larry felt his resolve melt like ice in a microwave. “Baby I appreciate it,” he pleaded pulling her to a seat on his lap. “It’s just these bills, I mean do we really need five hundred cable stations?”
“Would you rather have little Bryant home watching cable or out running the streets?” asked Chenoa with just the right mixture of sass and sex in her tone. “Besides, I’ll be able to help out soon.”
This news raised Larry’s brow. “Oh really now?”
“I will. I’m working on something.” Chenoa ran her finger down the side of her man’s face. It wasn’t so much different than the guitar she learned to play as a teenager—just pluck the right strings and it would play any tune she wanted.
“Honey, buying five hundred lottery tickets a week isn’t a plan,” quipped Larry, lowering his voice to the end of its baritone range.
“I’ve got something even better than that. I’m going into business with Mona, but I can’t say what. It’s a surprise and don’t you tell Richard.” She punctuated this warning with a sharp jab to his chest, and then quickly closed in with a deep open mouth kiss and some ear bighting for good measure.
Larry had completely forgotten about the family’s financial problems at this point and was in the process of one sweeping arm gesture needed to clear the table of its paper clutter when their eight-year-old son Bryant walked in dressed in head to toe Tommy Hilfeiger.
“Knock it off you guys, the stores open in twenty minutes.”
Chenoa jumped off of Larry’s lap and pulled him straight to his feet, still in an “almost had sex” daze. “All right baby, I got five new credit cards this week, let’s put them to work. Chenoa leaned closer and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Than we’ll come home and you can put me to work.”
Through the haze of his raging testosterone he was able to understand the important implications of his next words, which he needed to choose, oh so carefully.
“Let’s go,” he managed to say loudly and with considerable enthusiasm.
—
Thankfully, Josh had spotted a couple of prime parking spaces still vacant in the parking lot closest to the movie theater.
Richard checking to see that the coast was clear flipped an illegal u-turn, hardly noticing the truck he had just cut off as he pulled to the gate at precisely the wrong angle to easily pull the ticket. After three unsuccessful swipes at the allusive piece of paper the horn from the truck began to boom. Richard made three more frantic attempts in the most-strange synchronicity to six more blasts from the truck horn.
“C’mon Dad!” urged Josh, shrinking down into his seat.
With a heavy sigh, Richard capitulated and opened the car door to the now continuous noise of the truck horn. Unfortunately, his state of extreme agitation caused him to open the car door hard into the pole, which was placed next to the ticket contraption for no apparent reason at all. Finally, ticket in hand Richard waved the troublesome piece of paper in the air for the honking truck to see. But his moment of vainglory was interrupted expeditiously as his sleeve somehow got caught on the door causing the ticket to once again be departed from his grasp.
The truck driver, having lost all patience with respect to gaining entrance to the parking lot, allowed his foot to firmly rest on the truck’s acceleration pedal—thus ramming Richard’s car through the gate.
“Hey! Hey! That’s uncalled for!” yelled Richard out of the open driver’s side window.
“Arrest him Dad!” implored Josh, wanting to see his pops swing into action.
“I think I will,” said Richard, as he stumbled out of the car and pulled his badge out of his pocket—holding it up prominently. “All right get out of the truck!”
The truck door opened slowly and with each inch an ominous foreboding seemed to fill the air. After what seemed like several minutes, emerged a four hundred pound Samoan, NFL nose tackle of a man.
“Kick his butt Dad!” whooped the man’s equally oversized young son.
The Samoan beast began a very deliberate, harm intended, walk toward Richard who without breaking eye contact reached for his gun—that was of course still buried under a heap of dishes on the kitchen table.
“I’ll need to see your license,” said Richard, already contemplating just how bad a beating he was going to get.
STAN LERNER’S BOOKS ON SMASHWORDS .COM
“STAN LERNER’S CRIMINAL”
HOLLYWOOD BOOK FESTIVAL GRAND PRIZE WINNER
An intense page-turner based on the author’s true-life experiences.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” is the graphic and shocking account of the rise to power of the world’s most calculating and dangerous criminal…Sam Noah.
Sam Noah was handsome, intelligent, and charismatic. He came from a good family, had the perfect girlfriend, and attended UCLA where he ranked at the top of his class. Noah could have made anything he wanted to out of his life. But crime came naturally to him.
The story begins in 1984. The Cold War is at its height and the CIA is looking for still more funding for its covert operations around the world. Powerful men decide that there must be a go to guy. A man that will do whatever is necessary to finance the wars that Congress cannot be made aware of.
Sam Noah takes a job at a popular nightclub where he runs a smalltime ticket scam — and he begins to recruit the ruthless men that will help him build a narcotics empire.
When the FBI becomes a gathering threat to Noah, he forms an alliance with the CIA. His innovations — the crack house and the drive-by shooting — not only bring an unprecedented level of violence to the streets of America. They assure the powerful men who have engaged his services that Noah is indeed capable of doing the unthinkable.
The sale of cocaine makes him rich. His willingness to commit murder ensures that he will remain so.
Not since Hannibal Lecter has there been such a horrifying yet engaging mastermind of evil.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” transports the reader into the darkest of all places: the criminal mind. This is an unforgettable journey into the psyche of Sam Noah — the man behind some of the most brutal sins against humanity.
By the end of this unflinching tale, what may shock the reader the most is how he or she will ultimately identify with and root for this ruthless but brilliant “Criminal”.
To sample or purchase “Stan Lerner’s Criminal” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7628
“IN DEVELOPMENT”
“In Development” is a hilarious account of a day in the life of Stan Peters—Hollywood’s most powerful and scummiest producer.
The day begins like any other day—a superlative, five-star breakfast at The Peninsula Hotel. However, the shocking news that there has been a change at the very top of the studio means that the perfect world of Stan and his closest associates could come to a sudden end—especially with a movie like “Two Jews and a Blonde Psycho” in development. The subsequent call from Brad, the new studio boss, confirms their greatest fear—their movie is in danger of being put in turn-around. A day of sex, manipulation, lying, betrayal, blackmail, and murder ensues — otherwise known in Hollywood as a happy ending.
To sample or purchase “In Development” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7633
BLAST
To sample or purchase “Blast” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/8050
IMPACT
To sample or purchase “Impact” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/8271
GET CHICKS 101
To sample or purchase “Get Chicks 101” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/8281
GET THE RIGHT GUY
To sample or purchase “Get The Right Guy” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7846
NINETY- NINE POSTS
To sample or purchase “Ninety-Nine Posts” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/9380
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stan Lerner is an award winning-author whose diverse credits include the novels “Stan Lerner’s Criminal”, “Blast”, “In Development,” and the children’s book “Stanley The Elephant.” Stan Lerner is also the creator of the Las Vegas music spectacle “Night Tribe” and the writer, director, producer of the hit motion picture “Meet The Family.” Mr. Lerner was born in Montebello CA and has lived in downtown Los Angeles for the last fifteen years.
For more information about Stan Lerner please visit his author profile at: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/stan
