A new blog series, from the Abby Normal mind of Stan Lerner.
The giant Samoan’s fist landed on Richard’s nose like a sledgehammer. FADE TO BLACK Flat on his back Richard stared up at the peaceful blue sky listening to what he thought might be birds chirping. The moment was rudely interrupted by the Samoan beast, who had decided to punctuate Richard’s butt kicking by hoisting him into the air WWF style.
“You got him now Dad!” yelled Richard’s son Josh, just before the Samoan launched Richard head first through the windshield of his car.
Satisfied that Richard had had enough, the Samoan walked past the front of Richard’s car and laughed at the sight of the lower half of Richard’s torso, which comically protruded from the windshield out over the hood.
“You kicked his butt! Good Dad,” chuckled the Samoan’s oversized son, as the Samoan wedged himself back into the cab of the truck.
“A cop without a gun, boy…” mumbled the Samoan, as they exchanged radical-surf signs.
Josh finally summoned the courage to move his hands from in front of his eyes and look at the carnage. “Are you okay, Dad?”
“I’m fine son, I don’t think he’ll be bothering us anymore. Listen, reach in the glove box and take out my cell phone.”
Josh complied with purpose. “Ok what now?”
“Just dial 911,” gasped Richard, the first wave of pain from his injuries washing over him.
Back at the Skinner home, Mona worked to clean up the kitchen, post worse than usual breakfast disaster. After putting the last of the unbroken dishes into the dishwasher she kicked the door upwards, not realizing that the tray, which held the dishes, hadn’t actually rolled all of the way back into position. The resulting crash pretty much assured that what was left of their wedding china was history—she pressed the on button anyway and walked in her usual cheerful manner to the mess of a breakfast room table. Thinking for a moment about sorting everything out, she decided against it, and just folded the sides of the red and white-checked tablecloth into one big bundle—forgetting completely about Richard’s gun still buried under the mess.
With a couple of good pushes Mona managed to shove the pile into the washing machine. For a moment she had the feeling that she was forgetting something, but before she could put her finger on it there was a massive slam against the kitchen door.
“Oops, I’m sorry Spike. I forgot all about you,” said Mona, working quickly to fill Spike’s giant bowl with a mixture of dry food and scraps. Then remembering that Spike was going to need a walk she began rifling through the cupboard, which was filled with over the counter elixirs, for every possible malady. Unfortunately, Spike’s door pounding was such a distraction that Mona, who intended to grab the bottle labeled “RELAXATIVE”, grabbed the bottle labeled “LAXATIVE” instead—then poured a generous portion into Spike’s chow.
Mona turned to Pester, who was now sitting on top of the fridge shaking his head. “This ought to make the big pooch easy to handle.” And with that she dropped the bowl out of the kitchen window causing the frantic pounding at the door to immediately stop only to be replaced by the even more disconcerting noise of Spike eating.
On Phone. (Horror Movie Style)
Mona picked up the phone hesitantly. “Hello.”
“Hi Mom it’s me,” said Josh, clearly excited about something.
“Oh sweetheart you missed me. You’re so cute, but I don’t want you to miss the movie,” said Mona, all warm and fuzzy.
“We’re not at the movie,” responded Josh, his voice conveying a mixture of annoyance and disappointment.
“Is Dad in the hospital again?” asked Mona, whose tone had taken on a sense of absurd understanding.
“What do you think?”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes. I’m just going to leash up Spike and take him with me.
“You’re bringing Spike to the hospital?” questioned Josh, with serious concern for the public’s safety.
“He needs to get out and he’ll be fine in the car.” Mona laughed, “It’s not like someone is going to steal him or anything…Okay pumpkin, I’m on the way.”
Hanging up the phone and grabbing Spike’s chain Mona headed for the door to the backyard. PAUSE: a forgetful look crossed her face. “The wash,” she said with a sense of relief as she pushed the button on the washer and continued for the door.
Mona sat in the front seat of the aging subcompact, she had been driving since high school, with Spike, a two hundred and fifty pound bull mastiff of a family pet, filling ninety percent of the backseat. It was as she put the car in reverse that the first of several gunshots rang out causing her and Spike to look at each other face to face.
“Might be time for a new washer, Spike.”
Water poured from bullet holes in the Skinner’s washing machine—it was indeed time for a new washing machine, for the third time in a year.
STAN LERNER’S BOOKS ON SMASHWORDS .COM
“STAN LERNER’S CRIMINAL”
HOLLYWOOD BOOK FESTIVAL GRAND PRIZE WINNER
An intense page-turner based on the author’s true-life experiences.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” is the graphic and shocking account of the rise to power of the world’s most calculating and dangerous criminal…Sam Noah.
Sam Noah was handsome, intelligent, and charismatic. He came from a good family, had the perfect girlfriend, and attended UCLA where he ranked at the top of his class. Noah could have made anything he wanted to out of his life. But crime came naturally to him.
The story begins in 1984. The Cold War is at its height and the CIA is looking for still more funding for its covert operations around the world. Powerful men decide that there must be a go to guy. A man that will do whatever is necessary to finance the wars that Congress cannot be made aware of.
Sam Noah takes a job at a popular nightclub where he runs a smalltime ticket scam — and he begins to recruit the ruthless men that will help him build a narcotics empire.
When the FBI becomes a gathering threat to Noah, he forms an alliance with the CIA. His innovations — the crack house and the drive-by shooting — not only bring an unprecedented level of violence to the streets of America. They assure the powerful men who have engaged his services that Noah is indeed capable of doing the unthinkable.
The sale of cocaine makes him rich. His willingness to commit murder ensures that he will remain so.
Not since Hannibal Lecter has there been such a horrifying yet engaging mastermind of evil.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” transports the reader into the darkest of all places: the criminal mind. This is an unforgettable journey into the psyche of Sam Noah — the man behind some of the most brutal sins against humanity.
By the end of this unflinching tale, what may shock the reader the most is how he or she will ultimately identify with and root for this ruthless but brilliant “Criminal”.
To sample or purchase “Stan Lerner’s Criminal” please visit:
“In Development” is a hilarious account of a day in the life of Stan Peters—Hollywood’s most powerful and scummiest producer.
The day begins like any other day—a superlative, five-star breakfast at The Peninsula Hotel. However, the shocking news that there has been a change at the very top of the studio means that the perfect world of Stan and his closest associates could come to a sudden end—especially with a movie like “Two Jews and a Blonde Psycho” in development. The subsequent call from Brad, the new studio boss, confirms their greatest fear—their movie is in danger of being put in turn-around. A day of sex, manipulation, lying, betrayal, blackmail, and murder ensues — otherwise known in Hollywood as a happy ending.
To sample or purchase “In Development” please visit:
To sample or purchase “Blast” please visit:
To sample or purchase “Impact” please visit:
GET CHICKS 101
To sample or purchase “Get Chicks 101” please visit:
GET THE RIGHT GUY
To sample or purchase “Get The Right Guy” please visit:
NINETY- NINE POSTS
To sample or purchase “Ninety-Nine Posts” please visit:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stan Lerner is an award winning-author whose diverse credits include the novels “Stan Lerner’s Criminal”, “Blast”, “In Development,” and the children’s book “Stanley The Elephant.” Stan Lerner is also the creator of the Las Vegas music spectacle “Night Tribe” and the writer, director, producer of the hit motion picture “Meet The Family.” Mr. Lerner was born in Montebello CA and has lived in downtown Los Angeles for the last fifteen years.
For more information about Stan Lerner please visit his author profile at: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/stan