A new blog series, from the Abby Normal mind of Stan Lerner
Subsequent to the early morning mishaps in the otherwise happy Skinner household the family sat, as it always did, for a hearty morning breakfast—kind of. Mona drank her coffee, in a caffeine-induced state of rapture while her husband Richard and son Josh tried to determine what was on their plates—as it resembled nothing close to being digestible. Richard, now fully dressed with gun and shoulder holster over his shirt, sported a large gauze badge across his cheek, as he poked his fork curiously into the hash before him.
Mona rested her coffee cup on the table and looked lovingly at her boys. “You look very handsome with that big bandage on your face.”
Josh’s face tightened into an expression of absurdity. “He does not, its dorky.”
Sadness fell on Richard, the sadness of having a disapproving child.
“Don’t listen to Josh honey. Its sexy, it makes you look dangerous,” said Mona raising her eyebrow just noticeably enough for Richard to understand that there might be some guilt sex coming his way.
Richard shrugged. “I’m the only one in this house that’s not dangerous.”
Mona smiled and said, “I think Josh inherited his accident proneness from me,” then took another sip of her coffee.
“Dad you’re off today. Don’t wear your gun to the movie, it scares people.”
“Son I’m a cop. Even on my day off I have to be prepared to stop crime.”
Josh turned to Mona with the pleading look of a desperate child. “Mom, tell him not to take his gun.”
“Honey just this once. Josh needs to feel like a regular kid. Besides what can happen at a Sunday matinee?”
“Are you two happy now?” Grumbled Richard as he removed his gun from its holster and laid it down on the table like a poker chip.
“Honey buns you’re the best!” said Mona tossing her napkin over the gun and throwing her arms around Richard with a bear hug like grip.
“Thanks Dad,” added a truly appreciative Josh.
So caught up in the moment was Mona, that she came to totally disregard the bandage on Richard’s cheek, seeing it more as a landing pad for a big affectionate kiss, rather than the only protection for a cut that went clean to the bone.
Richard’s eyes went wide with pain as he leapt to his feet not realizing that he had accidentally tucked the red and white-checked tablecloth into his pants. For a moment they all stared at the contents of the table, which had just crashed together in a familiar cacophony, which had signaled the end of several meals at the Skinner table.
Mona considered the good fortune of her coffee mug still being in her hand and perked right up. “Don’t worry I’ll clean up. You and Josh can go off to the movie.”
On the driveway of the Skinner household Mona clutched Josh as if he was going away for a week.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” said Mona, pursing her lips in an attempt to hold back her emotions
“It’s okay mom, I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” sighed Josh, lovingly tolerant of his mother’s sometimes excessive sentimentality.
A loud thud against the driveway gate interrupted the emotional goodbye and caused all three Skinners to look apprehensively at the gate, which Pester the cat remained calmly seated on top of. Then came an even more powerful thud, which caused the wood to buckle, just shy of the breaking point.
“Spike must want to go for a walk,” uttered Richard in a cool tone, noticeable laced with concern.
“Dad will Spike ever be able to bark?” asked Josh, in the extemporaneous fashion of an inquisitive eight-year-old.
Richard nodded in the negative and proceeded to reach into the back seat of the car as he continued, “No son, Spike, well, he’s smart, but he’s dumb.” Richard reemerged from the car with an incredibly thick chain, which he handed to Mona. “I hate to make you walk Spike sweetheart.”
“Don’t worry about it pussycat. I’ll slip a sedative into his breakfast.”
A few minutes later Mona stood on the driveway and waved goodbye to her boys—as Spike continued his effort to pound the gate into splinters.
Richard looked at his lovely wife as he backed out of his driveway thinking that the day was back on track, not noticing the car that had just parked across the street.
Mona waved frantically in an attempt to warn of the impending collision, but Richard only took this as a further gesture of her complete love and devotion. He did wonder why her smile turned to a wince, but that was soon resolved in his mind with a glance into his rearview mirror, which revealed that the recently attached trailer hitch, attached to the bumper of his car, had just crushed the side door of a parked vehicle.
“Idiot,” yelled the irate woman, who was easily recognizable as a member of the city counsel.
Calmly, as he had done so many times before, Richard rolled down his window and extended a business card. “Just call my insurance company they know me there.” Without so much as another word to the screaming woman he rolled the window back up and turned to Josh, “You see son, ten thousand dollars a year for insurance is worth a whole lotta of peace of mind.
STAN LERNER’S BOOKS ON SMASHWORDS .COM
“STAN LERNER’S CRIMINAL”
HOLLYWOOD BOOK FESTIVAL GRAND PRIZE WINNER
An intense page-turner based on the author’s true-life experiences.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” is the graphic and shocking account of the rise to power of the world’s most calculating and dangerous criminal…Sam Noah.
Sam Noah was handsome, intelligent, and charismatic. He came from a good family, had the perfect girlfriend, and attended UCLA where he ranked at the top of his class. Noah could have made anything he wanted to out of his life. But crime came naturally to him.
The story begins in 1984. The Cold War is at its height and the CIA is looking for still more funding for its covert operations around the world. Powerful men decide that there must be a go to guy. A man that will do whatever is necessary to finance the wars that Congress cannot be made aware of.
Sam Noah takes a job at a popular nightclub where he runs a smalltime ticket scam — and he begins to recruit the ruthless men that will help him build a narcotics empire.
When the FBI becomes a gathering threat to Noah, he forms an alliance with the CIA. His innovations — the crack house and the drive-by shooting — not only bring an unprecedented level of violence to the streets of America. They assure the powerful men who have engaged his services that Noah is indeed capable of doing the unthinkable.
The sale of cocaine makes him rich. His willingness to commit murder ensures that he will remain so.
Not since Hannibal Lecter has there been such a horrifying yet engaging mastermind of evil.
“Stan Lerner’s Criminal” transports the reader into the darkest of all places: the criminal mind. This is an unforgettable journey into the psyche of Sam Noah — the man behind some of the most brutal sins against humanity.
By the end of this unflinching tale, what may shock the reader the most is how he or she will ultimately identify with and root for this ruthless but brilliant “Criminal”.
To sample or purchase “Stan Lerner’s Criminal” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7628
“IN DEVELOPMENT”
“In Development” is a hilarious account of a day in the life of Stan Peters—Hollywood’s most powerful and scummiest producer.
The day begins like any other day—a superlative, five-star breakfast at The Peninsula Hotel. However, the shocking news that there has been a change at the very top of the studio means that the perfect world of Stan and his closest associates could come to a sudden end—especially with a movie like “Two Jews and a Blonde Psycho” in development. The subsequent call from Brad, the new studio boss, confirms their greatest fear—their movie is in danger of being put in turn-around. A day of sex, manipulation, lying, betrayal, blackmail, and murder ensues — otherwise known in Hollywood as a happy ending.
To sample or purchase “In Development” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7633
BLAST
To sample or purchase “Blast” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/8050
IMPACT
To sample or purchase “Impact” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/8271
GET CHICKS 101
To sample or purchase “Get Chicks 101” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/8281
GET THE RIGHT GUY
To sample or purchase “Get The Right Guy” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7846
NINETY- NINE POSTS
To sample or purchase “Ninety-Nine Posts” please visit:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/9380
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stan Lerner is an award winning-author whose diverse credits include the novels “Stan Lerner’s Criminal”, “Blast”, “In Development,” and the children’s book “Stanley The Elephant.” Stan Lerner is also the creator of the Las Vegas music spectacle “Night Tribe” and the writer, director, producer of the hit motion picture “Meet The Family.” Mr. Lerner was born in Montebello CA and has lived in downtown Los Angeles for the last fifteen years.
For more information about Stan Lerner please visit his author profile at: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/stan
