Foreword by Stan Lerner: I’ll keep this simple, while “Stan Lerner’s Criminal” wins the big awards, “Get Chicks 101” tops the ebook download charts. I wrote this work as a satire of self-help books and somehow managed to give the best relationship advice ever given–go figure. Anyway, read this blog sample of the work and then click on one of the links at the end to either download it directly to your Kindle or using smashwords to anywhere else. And for those of you worried about the ridiculous amount of money that this classic is making (something like a million dollars a week) know that 90% of the revenue after transaction costs is being given to charity or to support the not for profit work of downtownster.com. AND YES, “GET CHICKS 101” IS NOW AVAILABLE IN THE IBOOKSTORE FOR YOUR IPAD!!!
Let me start by saying I’m not the best-looking guy. I’m certainly not the richest guy and, frankly, my personality is just all right. But I do have more girls to go out with than all of my friends combined. Not counting Hefner or any of the other guys who make their living off of hot, steamy, young flesh, I don’t really know anyone who has a better social life than I do. So, for the sake of social consciousness, I have decided to share what I know.
Now, I will try to keep this light and fun. But remember, dating girls is serious business. So, every now and then I might have to sacrifice some entertainment value to make sure you really understand and process what I’m saying. Please don’t get bored with me if I get serious for a minute. It’s for your own good.
Like most good stories, I will start at the beginning. (“The Godfather” and “Pulp Fiction” are exceptions.) This means with you, not her. Don’t think you’re so great that you can skip to proper thong removal technique before you’ve gotten yourself looking halfway decent and not sounding like a jackass every time you open your mouth. Simply put, you must start with arithmetic before attempting calculus.
Keep in mind while reading this book that men and women are not only different from each other—they are completely separate creatures. Women are indeed a separate species unto themselves. Most probably, you’ve heard of the book “Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus.” You see it’s well known that they are a different species, even by women themselves. Of course, if I had written the book just mentioned, the title would be something like, “Men Are from Mars and If You Want to Get Chicks, Hang Out on Venus”.
My goal is simple: to turn men back into men. Women will complain about this. But in the end, they really don’t know what’s best for them. They are very similar to the pet that will just keep eating until it explodes. So, by the end of “Get Chicks 101”, you will not only be equipped to deal with today’s woman—the most dangerous and treacherous of all time—you will actually be doing your part to save humanity from the evils of feminism. Only men can rescue the female species from extinction by stomping out their proclivity to want to become one of us (men).
By the way, a friend recently said to me, “Today, men and women just don’t need each other anymore.” This is simply bull! Even today’s space-age love doll technology cannot compare to the real thing. (Yes, I’ve tried… not bad… better than the old blow up model—but in the end not even close. And I have a pretty good imagination.) Let’s face it, even if they could make a doll that passed the Pepsi Challenge, it still couldn’t cook and clean. As far as them needing us—kids, mortgage, food, clothing, healthcare, transportation, and insurance all require more than the best penis substitute has to offer. So, we need them and they need us. I’ll tell you how to get them. I’ll tell you how to keep them, if you want to. And most importantly, I’ll tell you how to keep them in line so they don’t drive you out of your mind and then take half your money. Read on, have fun, and get the right girl!
Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Clean that mirror and take a good, hard look. If you look like hell, you are asking to be socially challenged (unless, of course, you have lots of cash or like ugly chicks). Let’s cover the basics. Girls today think like men. We’re into looks; so are they. They are looking you over and breaking it all down into categories which go something like this:
The uniform: dress for success. Girls may want to be boys these days in theory, but they’re still not male. Their instincts are intact and they are still women. They can’t resist nice clothes the way my dog after ten years of obedience training can’t stop pissing on every wall, tree, or lamppost he encounters. Your look is your hook—you have to get it right!
Now, you don’t have to be gay to have good taste. But I do recommend buying clothes that are designed by gay men. All right, maybe not all designers are gay. But let’s face it—most of the good ones are. Not that it’s relevant—but you just have to figure that a guy who wants to have sex with you is definitely going to be more interested in how good you look in his clothes. Anyway, my point is that you must buy brands. It means more to most girls than quality and sometimes the brand delivers quality (hopefully) along with the name.
What brand should you choose? Wear Armani and the girls you are hitting on will be putting on their best Victoria Secret before you know it. Needless to say, Hugo Boss, Zegna, Brioni, Ralph Lauren, Ferre, Versace, Gucci, John Varvados, Kitone, and Ferragamo will all do the trick and should all be in your closet. You can’t afford it? I say get your priorities straight! I’m not that rich and I still have a great wardrobe. So can you!
If you don’t have big bucks but want to pull this off, then, follow my advice. Start with black slacks and black shoes. Don’t skimp on socks and a nice belt. Buy a couple of nice shirts and commit to add one shirt a month to your collection. Next, purchase a cool jacket (not a sport coat) and a black mock turtleneck. Now look in the mirror. You’re wearing Ferragamo loafers, black Armani slacks, a Cole Haan belt, a generic black mock turtleneck ($60.00), and a black Armani shirt jacket. Believe me, you’re looking better.
Here’s a tip. If you’re not shopping at the designer boutiques (I include Scott and Company in this category) try e-bay. I’m not kidding. It may be last year’s model, but when you’re buying classics (and you’re on a budget) you don’t have to be right on the cutting edge.
To take this to the next level, if you have a few extra bucks you should look like a movie star. Personally, if I made a million dollars tomorrow I would walk into Scott and Company and drop 50k that day. Then, I would head for Rodeo Drive. If you dress to the tens (forget the nines), girls will come to you—or, at the very least, not mind you are coming to them. Special note: For some reason, chicks notice shoes and watches the way we notice breasts and butts. Remember what I just told you about shoes: Ferragamo, Gucci, Cole Haan, etc.—and don’t skimp. As for watches, don’t think of this as fashion—this is simply an investment. Rolex, Piaget, Cartier, and Patek Philippe will do fine. And remember to go for the gold (stainless steel belongs in your kitchen, not on your wrist). Buy new, buy used, (good old e-bay) finance if you have to—but take the leap and get strapped up right.
Disclaimer: some guys dress like shit, don’t shave, look like they’re on heroin, and still get laid. The grunge, hip hop, rock star, just crawled out of bed look works on some chicks but generally comes and goes. The last decade has been good for the dress down look—and I’m talking about guys in their teens and twenties. But while they may have cut into my supply a bit, I have still outdone them ten to one. And like all trends, it’s winding down.
Extra special note: Urban, Hip Hop, and Heroin Euro Trash are all part of the “I don’t give a shit about money” generation. Trust me now that the cost of living is stratospheric and owning a home might just become a concern one day. These little spoiled digital generation geeks will start giving a shit real soon. So, if you are a broke, pot-smoking, girl-leaching, bad-dressing type of guy, you might be doing okay right now. But your market is shrinking and you should think about changing to my game plan or I might just be sleeping with your girlfriend the day she throws you out. Remember, even a mutt is cute when it is a puppy and none of us are getting any younger. Take my advice and play the odds—most girls go for dress up, not down; be the money.
Warning: if a chick is into dressing down, then don’t do her. Usually these chicks are skanks with a high probability of clap, herpes, or “I didn’t know he was bisexual before I took it up the back door disease.” I know it’s a challenge and runaways turn me on too, but it’s just not worth it in the long run.
All right, back to the mirror. Do not go to Supercuts or Fantastic Sam’s. Trust me, there is a difference and chicks can tell. Get the best cut from the best stylist wherever you might live. For extra credit, get those nails done. Tip: there are lots of women at the nail parlor.
Girls like guys with nice nails. On this one, even I can understand—given the places we’re always trying to shove our fingers into.
Hair looks good, nails look good, but how many of you out there can’t get it right with your razor? That’s right, hit the face twice if you have to; patch work turns girls on if they’re making a quilt, not if it’s on your face. I realize most of us know this next one. But if there is hair growing out of your nose, please do something about it. I assure you, it does not make girls hot.
Regarding height, I really haven’t met the guy who is too tall. (Shaq is no beauty and he claims to have banged Cindy Crawford back when she was really hot.) Let’s face it, six feet to six four is ideal and guys who are lucky enough to be blessed with this asset should listen to everything I have to say and take their potential to the max.
Not tall enough? That’s common but there are two great mitigating factors. First, date short girls. I know this sounds simple—but let’s face it, we like challenges. How many short guys do we know that would give up dating every dwarf in the Land of Oz to get turned down by one Amazon Queen of the Super Models? Remember what I said about playing the odds? Besides, I think short chicks are better in bed. If a girl doesn’t have to get on her knees to orally satisfy you, she might just be the one to keep.
Okay, haven’t convinced you yet? Still want to date out of your size range? Then don’t think of yourself as short. You have to put this image out of your head completely. Confidence, personality, and an inner power make you seem bigger, especially to women. If you’re going long, make sure your persona is big and tall even if you aren’t.
Warning: never be self-effacing about your height or any other weakness for that matter. If you can get a chick to forget that you’re short, old, fat, bald, or broke, for your own sake, don’t remind her!
In terms of weight, there is no excuse for being fat. Every extra pound is one hot chick that you will not have sex with in the course of your lifetime. Height, hair, and eyes are all the luck of the draw. But your weight is entirely up to you. In short, if you can see your abs, you will see a whole lot more gitchy. Mark Wahlberg and Brad Pitt are good-looking guys. And yet, do you think they would be starring in movies if they gained fifty pounds? To make this topic personal for a minute, I like it when a girl tells me I have a great body. If you hear these words, do you think you’re not going to get some action if you want it? I had to work at my body. I wasn’t a natural. But today at forty-two, I can still take my shirt off at Spring Break and put most twenty year olds to shame. If you can’t say the same, you are seriously screwing yourself up.
Diet: if you need to lose weight, let me save you a fortune and a lot of frustration. If you want to lose weight, then stop eating so much! When I want to get ripped, I eat a thousand calories a day and less than ten grams of fat. It’s that simple, eat a thousand calories a day, with ten grams of fat or less a day, and you will lose weight. If this doesn’t work, then go see a doctor because there is something terribly wrong with you. Need a little more specific info? Don’t eat pasta, bread, chips, pizza, cookies, candy, fried food, ice cream, or junk food in general. Do eat meat, chicken, fish, fruits, and vegetables. If you’re going to drink alcohol, make sure it’s because you are trying to get a girl drunk. Otherwise, it’s just wasted calories (I know this sucks; I like to drink too.). When it comes to alcohol, straight whiskey seems to have the least effect on my waistline and the best effect on my head. So, you might want to test this out for yourself.
Exercise: spending hours in the gym is great. But again—no bull—a hundred push-ups and a hundred sit-ups a day combined with a thousand calorie a day diet will have you looking good real quick. For good measure, toss in thirty minutes of cardio six days a week. All in all, we’re talking less than an hour a day to look the way you need to. So, as they say, “just do it.”
Once you are well dressed, well groomed, in great shape, and confident, you’re now ready for business. If you’re not properly preparing for the business at hand, the only screwing you will be doing will be to yourself. So take this chapter to heart or the rest of the journey will be uphill.
No Money No Honey
Don’t be cheap, chicks cost money. Aristotle Onasis, at the time the world’s richest man, once said, “If there was no such thing as beautiful women there would be no reason for having money.” Frankly, I agree. If it weren’t for our never-ending quest for sex, we’d all be living in fraternity houses watching football, drinking beer, passing gas and blaming the dog.
However, there is such a thing as beautiful women. We want them. They cost money and the commerce that has resulted has literally built the modern, post-industrial world in which we live. By the way, have you ever noticed that the richest countries have the hottest chicks? Want to straighten out the third world? Stop sending them money and food and start sending over some hot chicks. They’ll be working their poor, starving asses off in no time.
Now, I’m not saying you have to be rich to keep your pipeline flowing, although it definitely helps. But you do have to be willing to spend. And still better yet, be generous. Remember this: many rich guys are indeed stingy bastards. So as far as a girl’s concerned, which would she rather have: a rich guy who doesn’t give her squat or you, the average guy who’s cool to throw her some cash, clothes, jewelry, flowers, dinner and on and on? That’s right, she doesn’t care about what a guy has, as much as she cares about what a guy has and is willing to give to her.
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